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The Ill-Tempered Audiophool

Diamond Light Crystal: "For Reals?"

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Diamond Light Crystal - A Programmed High Frequency Clarifier, $39 each. Introductory Offer - Buy 2 Get 1 Free! The leaded glass crystal comes with string attached and removeable damage-free plastic hook for wall mounting. The crystal is mounted 7 feet high on the wall behind the speakers near room corner(s), and/or 7 feet high on wall centered between speakers. Customer Comment - "The highs sound better, the lyrics clearer."

I think I now know what Tom Lehrer was experiencing when Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize.

I simply cannot parody this:

It is like trying to imitate a Scottish accent. (Even though genetically I should be capable of that.) It is so much more than mere words.

Where do I start?


  1. wgscott's Avatar
    When my daughter was abotu 5 or 6, her default expression of incredulity was "For Reals?"

    Somehow, it just fits.

    I was asked how I know it doesn't work. Well, I guess in the same sense I am not absolutely 100.000000000% certain that God does not exist, or that the world is not 6000 years old, I guess I cannot know it doesn't work, but the claims strike one as so transparently absurd that it is hard to conceive of some (other, more potentially realistic) mechanism by which it could.

    One small tip-off: If the crystal is not really a crystal (leaded glass), and they claim the crystal has been programmed, and elsewhere they discuss "quantum matter" and "synthetic atoms," these guys are either brilliant comedians or shameless shysters.
  2. souptin's Avatar
    I strongly suspect the site is satire, as opposed to being beyond it. There's a pic of a sabre tooth skull they say is from California Uni... That's your home turf isn't it? Perhaps you can track them down and ask.

    The 'how do you know if you've never tried it' challenge is a pet hate. Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit but I still struggle to get it right. Even after years of practice.
  3. The Computer Audiophile's Avatar
    Bummer the leaded glass makes it not ROHS compliant :~)
  4. NOMBEDES's Avatar
    Of course it is real. Anyone who buys 3 ft of copper wire for THOUSANDS of dollars would buy anything.
  5. Jud's Avatar
    I personally think brevity is the soul of wit, and it appears (Deus Ex?) Machina Dynamica has come up with an even wittier "product:"

    TELEPORTATION TWEAK. Performed during telephone call to Machina Dynamica. Teleportation Tweak takes 20 seconds. $60.